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Blog on It’s OK to Have a Happy Memorial Day

It’s OK to Have a Happy Memorial Day

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The Memorial Day scolds come out annually. You can honor the day in your own way.

Today, I will be remembering the six paratroopers from my unit killed in action in Afghanistan. Their names are Private First Class Chris Pfeifer, Sergeant Adrian Hike, Specialist Jacob Lowell, Staff Sergeant Ryan Fritsche, Captain Dave Boris, and Major Tom Bostick. I invite you to watch this video about their service and sacrifice.

They died in places I directed them to go, following the orders I gave. One of the sacred responsibilities of combat leadership is to put your people in a position to succeed, knowing that the enemy acts of their own will and that you cannot control outcomes. You, alone, carry that weight, and yet, you do not have to be alone in carrying it. Each loss tore a hole in my emotional heart.

Memorial Ceremony honoring Major Tom Bostick and Staff Sergeant Ryan Fritsche, August 2007, Camp Keating, Afghanistan.

Memorial Ceremony honoring Major Tom Bostick and Staff Sergeant Ryan Fritsche, August 2007, Camp Keating, Afghanistan.

I’ll also be remembering those who have died from the effects of their wartime service – the diseases, suicides, overdoses, and other deaths of despair. Like nearly every combat unit, we’ve lost more to those causes than we did to enemy fire. Those deaths tear holes and leave scar tissue, too.

I’ve discovered another heart – a spiritual one. It was always there, but I’d kept it locked up and carefully guarded behind walls. I didn’t know that I was slowly suffocating it. Getting the right support cracked open those walls and gave me the courage to tell the sentinels to stand down.

I discovered my spiritual heart is a fire. Flames ignited in the fresh air when I opened up the walls. I call it my burning heart. The brighter those flames burn, the more warmth and light they produce.

Cultivating that flame provides the power to hold the sadness and joy, to remember the past but not be controlled by it, to honor the fallen and support the living. To me, Memorial Day is about that, too. The Saber Six Foundation is an expression of that burning heart. So is my personal and professional life.

Today, I will remember those who gave their lives defending our country and way of life. I will also enjoy the happiness of spending time with my family and friends, and reminiscing with my comrades. I can do all of these things, freely, and commemorate Memorial Day in my own way because Americans like these have defended our right to do so.

I invite you to hold Memorial Day and give it to others in a way that works for you. A memorial, by definition, is an act, symbol, observance, or place dedicated to honoring and remembering those who died in service to the nation. There’s no mandate for the emotions you are supposed to feel.

You have sovereignty. You are free, to paraphrase my friend and mentor Michelle Villalobos, to feel the emotions you feel and to cultivate the emotions you want to feel.

To Memorial Day.

1 Action You Can Take on Memorial Day

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During this Memorial Day, I ask you to remember those we are losing or lost from the effects of combat. 

Memorial Day weekend remembers Americans who died in combat defending our country and way of life. I celebrate the lives of the six paratroopers from our unit who died in Afghanistan in 2007, even as I mourn their loss. 

I invite you to watch the short videos about how I remember them.

That’s how I choose to spend the day. Yours may be different, and don’t let the scolds tell you there’s only one way to be or feel.

An Ongoing Silent Tragedy Among Veterans

There’s a silent tragedy ongoing among veterans. Over 140,000 veterans have died by suicide since 9/11. Overdoses and other deaths of despair drive the toll higher. You could pack an NFL stadium – twice – with those numbers and still have people lined up for blocks to get inside.

Many of their deaths stem from post-combat stress. I distinguish this situation from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), where the signs of distress are visible. 

Post-combat stress stems from the re-wiring of your circuitry that was invaluable during combat. It kept you alive and helped you perform extraordinary actions. After prolonged periods under duress, you can equate your identity with your stress reactions. 

Addiction to the emotions you felt when you felt most alive gets you to live in the past. Your memories stir up the feelings, and the feelings ignite more memories. 

For example, think about a time you had a heated argument with your spouse, children, boss, or co-workers. You probably feel your heart race faster and your temperature rise on your face. You are reliving the emotions you felt: anger, frustration, betrayal, etc. Now, imagine thinking those thoughts and feeling those emotions repeatedly so they become your personality.    

Post-combat stress is a slow drift, barely noticed by family and friends. They might know something is a little off, but nothing raises alarms until it’s too late. We miss the changes from slow drift because they are too subtle. You don’t appreciate how much your kids grow day by day, for example, unless you look back over time. Drift is the opposite.

Drift from post-combat stress is why you are surprised when someone dies by suicide, gets addicted to drugs, or breaks down. “I never saw it coming.”

During this Memorial Day, I ask you to remember those we are losing or lost from the effects of combat. 

Justin, one of our best leaders, drifted after the military. He was living in a dumpster next to a city library in Calfornia, a meth addict. He’s moved on. We don’t know where.

Robert, a terrific paratrooper, was addicted to the adrenaline he remembered from combat, constantly thrill-seeking. He had an accident extreme-sporting and later drank himself to death.

We gave Jacky a valor award for rushing up a mountain ridgeline to break an enemy ambush. He drifted, got hooked on heroin, and was found dead in a Minneapolis hotel room.

These tragedies occurring on such a vast scale are virtually invisible to Americans. 

I founded the Saber Six Foundation to address this problem by getting people back together who served and fought together, giving them the tools to focus on the present and future growth instead of living in the past, and sustaining the camaraderie and support long-term. 

No one involved in our programs has died by suicide or overdoses or attempted. Veterans are finding new purpose and belonging as they focus on growth. I invite you to learn more about our impact on our website.

How You Can Help

One important way you can help is to talk with veterans so they feel like they belong. Instead of “thank you for your service,” you can ask, “what did you do in the service? What was the best part about serving in the military?” Thanking someone for their service after you’ve learned a bit about them resonates more.

I also encourage veterans to talk about their experiences, saving the more intimate details for the people who experienced them with you. Talking about them makes them tangible. Talking about the emotions you felt makes them tangible and easier to manage.

The best way to interact with veterans this weekend

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It’s Memorial Day weekend, and there’s a high probability that you will encounter veterans and Gold Star family members.

Here are some great ways to interact.

As you know, Memorial Day honors service members who died serving our country, while Veterans Day (in November) recognizes those who served in America’s armed forces.

The small size of the U.S. military and the lack of a mandatory service obligation result in few Americans having a shared military experience with veterans or current service members. 

Wanting to be sensitive and often not knowing what to say, people tend to say, “Thank you for your service,” and go their separate ways. 

There’s nothing wrong with that, but you both are missing an opportunity to build bridges that bring people closer together.

Here are some questions you can ask veterans:

  • Tell me more about your service (what you did, where did you serve?).
  • What did you like the most about the military?
  • Are you remembering anyone in particular this Memorial Day? 
  • Please tell me about them.

You can ask a similar question to Gold Star family members:

  • Tell me more about your [son, daughter, mom, dad, brother, sister]

Most veterans and Gold Star families will appreciate your genuine interest. They’ll get to tell you some of their own story and that of someone they are remembering this weekend.

I’m remembering the six cavalry paratroopers from our unit killed in action in 2007: 

I’ve made a short video about each of them, which you can access at the link in each name.

I hope you have a joyful weekend commemorating those who gave their lives to protect our liberty and pursuit of happiness.

The 1700-mile Fallen Honor Ride mentioned in these videos started the Saber Six Foundation, which helps veterans create an ever-better future through programs that strengthen Purpose, Belonging, and Well-being. 

Go to https://SaberSixFoundation.com for more information.