The Dark Side of Gratitude

Gratitude can blind us to harmful situations. Are you stuck in its trap?

If your experience is like mine, you were probably inundated Thanksgiving weekend with emails and social media posts about the importance of gratitude. 

Genuine gratitude is a powerful mental health boost. And yet, the frequent demands that we see the silver lining in everything, “embrace the suck,” and put a grateful sheen on miserable experiences comes across as contrived.

Do gratitude and other values have a dark side? 

Aristotle was right that virtue is the mean between extremes. Courage can become recklessness, empathy can become sympathy, and discipline can become mindless obedience.

I heard about the dark side of gratitude on Shane Parrish’s The Knowledge Project podcast, which prompted me to consider the value of contrarian thinking about popular topics.

Take the phrase “extreme ownership,” the popular book title, which conveys the importance of everyone having a stake in success. Extreme ownership, however, has a dark side. If everyone feels they own the company and you have differences of opinion about purpose and direction, you get paralysis or civil war. 

The sensible balance is to put someone in charge. The CEO develops a clear strategy, creates a supportive culture, and fosters leadership behaviors that inspire people to contribute their best. People feel like valued members of the team.

The dark side of gratitude occurs when you get trapped into accepting an abusive situation because you are grateful for something else. 

“You should be grateful you have a job” weaponizes gratitude to excuse suffering through a toxic work environment. “You should be grateful to have a roof over your head” aims to excuse an abusive relationship. 

You can be grateful to have a job and report or leave a toxic situation. You can be grateful for a comfortable lifestyle and take steps to end an abusive relationship. A good thing does not justify a bad thing.

The Dark Side of Respect

Respect is similar. I experienced the dark side of respect in high school. I was raised to respect priests as men ordained to do God’s work on earth. What they said and did was supposed to be good. Then, two of them molested me. I was freaked out and too afraid to say anything for years. 

The dark side of respect is license. 

I learned that every shibboleth has a dark side. Unthinking acceptance corrupts into aberrant behavior, and predators learn to weaponize your values to get you to accept something horribly wrong. 

Often, you get so close to the situation that you cannot see the dark side trap. I’ve fallen into most of them, and I hope my mistakes can shorten your path to the success you deserve. 

I learned to surround myself with trusted advisors who help me maintain a better balance. I still stumble, but the faceplants are less painful, and getting up is much easier. Who’s helping you see the traps?

About Author

Chris Kolenda

I work with leaders who want to build unshakeable business endurance.

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