Tag Archive for: conflict

Disagreement Is Inevitable; Conflict Is Voluntary

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Disagreement is a feature of every healthy team. If your organization is making big decisions and everyone always nods in agreement, chances are you’re either surrounded by sycophants or missing key perspectives.

Conflict, on the other hand, is something we choose.

Bombarded by Rockets

I learned this distinction the hard way in Afghanistan. Our unit had been working to stop insurgent rocket attacks that had plagued our base and nearby villages for years. 

The area was deep in the mountains on the other side of a raging river. Based on their behavior, I was convinced that people in that area were implacable foes. 

I had no idea what to do about the attacks. I felt like I was failing as a leader. It was only a matter of time before a rocket would kill or maim someone.  

The conventional playbook called for a large-scale air assault, but that option didn’t sit right with me. An operation like that would likely turn into a costly battle.

Over several evenings of cigar-time reflection and great advice from Lt. Col. Sher Ahmad, my Afghan Army counterpart, we decided to try something unconventional. 

Instead of an air assault, we decided to visit them peacefully. Sher Ahmad’s vehicles could cross the bridge that spanned the river, and navigate the roads our vehicle could not. 

He returned at the end of the day. When he asked why they were firing rockets, the answer floored me: an earlier U.S.-led raid had humiliated the community. The rockets were retaliation.

Then they showed him a three-walled, roofless school. Sher Ahmad learned that they valued education, and they wanted a proper school for their children.

That moment reframed everything. It reminded us that the path from disagreement to conflict is often bridged by assumptions, which are usually faulty. 

When we assume motives instead of exploring goals, we escalate the situation. When we focus on behavior instead of aspirations, we alienate.

He returned to the village a few days later and delivered notebooks and pens to the children. The village council hiked six hours to thank us in person and begin a conversation. 

We worked together on building a school and other objectives. The rockets stopped.

We didn’t solve that crisis with military might. We solved it with curiosity and ingenuity.

Managing conflict graphic.

The Conflict Iceberg

Conflict is like an iceberg. Above the waterline, you see behaviors. The assumptions driving these behaviors are below the waterline, but we perceive them imperfectly due to refraction.

The base of the iceberg represents the goals and aspirations that animate people. The base is the starting point for progress. Begin where you agree and work from there.

In business, it’s no different. When someone on your leadership team challenges a strategy or a frontline supervisor pushes back on a policy, the easy thing is to defend your position and assign negative motives. But conflict is rarely about the behavior you’re seeing. It’s usually about unmet needs, competing goals, or misaligned expectations.

Here’s a practice I use with leaders looking to build unshakeable endurance in volatile industries like defense, biotech, finance, manufacturing, and construction: When conflict brews, don’t double down on assumptions. Zoom out. Ask: “What does success look like for us both?” and “What aspirations are we each trying to fulfill?”

I’ve seen insurgents stop fighting and U.S. paratroopers earn trust in places where trust seemed impossible. I’ve seen businesses and public sector organizations overcome internal disputes and innovate, all because we focused on shared goals rather than presumed behaviors.

Disagreement is inevitable, and frankly, it’s desirable. It sharpens ideas and strengthens strategies. Conflict, though? That’s voluntary. You don’t have to pick up that rope.

Instead, ask better questions. Reframe the discussion to focus on what winning looks like for everyone involved. You’ll be amazed how quickly resistance turns into resolve.

You’re leading through uncertainty. The people around you want to believe the work matters and that they’re part of something enduring. Help them focus on what unites them rather than what divides them. That’s how you create alignment. That’s how you forge trust.

And that’s how you build a business that lasts.

Conflict Consumes Time and Energy because it’s Urgent and Important: Here’s how to address it 1st.

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You have to put strategy, innovation, leadership development, growth, and other important-but-not-urgent initiatives on the back burner, even though these matters are vital for durable success.

Chronic workplace conflict consumes your time, saps your energy, increases anxiety, and adds frustration to everyday stress.

Sometimes the conflict is overt. People get into arguments, and meetings drag on endlessly as managers bicker back and forth but never seem to get anywhere. Silos become ends in themselves — your direct reports focus on looking good in their lanes but lose sight of the bigger picture.

Bureaucratic scheming happens below the surface. People ignore new demands without several prompts. Managers slow roll changes they oppose hoping that the new initiative implodes. The more aggressive practice guerilla warfare to undermine changes or stab their colleagues in the back. The most brazen do what they want to do and tell you what you want to hear.

Conflict consumes time and energy because it’s urgent and important: you must address it. You have to put strategy, innovation, leadership development, growth, and other important-but-not-urgent initiatives on the back burner, even though these matters are vital for durable success. You try to think through them in the evenings, but you are too exhausted and tired of sacrificing your family and other priorities to the hamster wheel at work. Chopping the same wood gets harder as your ax dulls.

conflict

It does not have to be this way.

Many leaders look for solutions in the wrong places. Play areas, company picnics, and more remote work opportunities can be good ideas, but they do not reduce or resolve conflict. The reduction in cognitive diversity among businesses is a new, alarming trend. More CEOs reportedly surround themselves with people who share their political opinions and get rid of those who don’t.

Professional workplace conflict can only be about two issues: goals and ways to achieve them.

That’s it. Period.

By isolating the source of the disagreement, you can manage conflict and strengthen your team. Here are some action steps to help you do that.

1. Check commitment to the goal. Ensure you are framing the objective to include the “SO THAT” — the results or outcomes you aim to achieve. “Improve our pre-execution process SO THAT we reduce the number of expensive mistakes and improve cost forecasting.” If all parties agree on the destination, the conflict is about ways to get there.

2. Understand the options. Ways are tricky to resolve because they involve differing facts, interpretations, and prescriptions.

Ask people to put their prescriptions on the table, so everyone is clear on the options. Have them note the reasons for their position and what factors would cause them to change it. This approach improves open-mindedness.

3. Establish the relevant facts. You need to be working from a common data set, or you’ll spin your wheels.

4. What do the facts mean? Interpretations of the relevant data are the source of most “ways disagreements.” Some of the filters people use are status quo, confirmation bias, and risk aversion. Get the mental models into the open. Once the interpretations are aligned or differences are clear, then you can debate the ways forward.

5. Discuss the prescriptions. If the matter is time-sensitive, you might need to gather input and decide yourself. Otherwise, you can improve buy-in by letting your subordinates develop a solution or present you with options for decision.

conflict

If everyone agrees on the goals and ways but workplace conflict persists, you have an unprofessional personal dispute; you should fire the people responsible.

Do you want to discuss one of your workplace conflicts? Reply to this email or Schedule a call. https://callSLA.as.me/Chris

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Chris’s leader archetypes have given me a framework to think about leader diversity and what natural inclinations people bring to the table. It’s also helped me communicate more effectively and develop action plans with my team and clients.
Karen Seitz, Founder and Managing Director, Fusion Partners Global

We see at least a 50% improvement in ownership and engagement, and our conversion numbers have increased by 15%, bringing more revenue into the company.
Stefan McFarland, Vice President, Aspire

Working with Chris has helped me visualize and communicate more clearly, gain the buy-in that inspires greater performance, and put my subordinates in positions to succeed.
Andy Weins, CEO, Green Up Solutions



Disputes in the Workplace: Action Steps to Encourage your Team to Work it out Without you having to Referee

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Put the metaphorical “elephant in the room” on the table

Encourage employees to resolve conflicts such as this:

“Hey boss, Hannah interrupted me and was rude to me during our team meeting,” said Paul. 

 As a leader, how do you proceed?

  1. Go directly to Hannah and ask her about the situation with a reprimand in your back pocket.
  2. Ask Paul what he did to make Hannah act like that.
  3. Give Paul the resources needed to address Hannah himself to resolve the issue.

We can all agree that option #3 is the ideal solution. Yes, it takes time, patience, resources, and, oftentimes, a change in behaviors and beliefs. Having the ability to have encourage tough conversations, however, can change the entire dynamic within your Team. When your employees have the wherewithal and confidence to take these conversations into their own hands your time is freed up to do more important things.

I am trying to develop this lesson with my own kids, ages 4,6, and 8. When they run from their conflict to tell on each other my first question is always, “Did you tell your sibling how their actions made you feel?” If they answer, “no,” then I send them back to the room to have a conversation with each other first. If that doesn’t resolve the situation, then we have a group conversation about what happened and how we can fix the situation in the future. Oftentimes, the tattletale is just as guilty.

Here’s the really important part. I explicitly lay out how we treat our family members and what the Colbert family norms/expectations are. I am building a strong foundation of the expected and appropriate rules of engagement. I am giving the kids the tools needed now so that in the future I won’t have to referee. Additionally, I am help and encourage them develop their own skills and confidence when dealing with conflict outside of our home.

Action Steps to Encourage your Team to work it out without you having to referee:

  1. Co-developed strong Team norms. If your people are part of the planning, they will take ownership and will be more likely to use the norms to steer the conversation in the right direction. Don’t stop there! You have to model how to use the norms. Before I start a meeting, I ask each person to pick a norm they want to stick to during the meeting. Oftentimes, people pick a norm counter to their current mood. For example, if someone is crabby, they pick the “stay positive” norm. This creates an immediate behavior shift, which benefits everyone at the meeting, and I don’t have to lift a finger. 
  2. Don’t shy away from difficult conversations—lead! You’re the leader, show your team how it’s done! Ask clarifying questions, don’t make rash assumptions, and always address inappropriate behaviors—don’t tolerate bullies. Here are some great phrases/questions to steer the conversations: 
  • “Tell me more about what you mean by that.” 
  • “Can you please repeat what you just said?” Oftentimes people are too embarrassed to repeat a negative comment. You can then say, “If you’re too embarrassed to say it now, why did you say it in the first place?” Then point to the “staying positive” norm.
  • “Is this in line with our common purpose” or “Is this in line with our norms?”

  3. Give your Team the tools needed to address inappropriate behaviors. Share the above phrases/questions with your team. Role-play, if necessary. 

  4. Provide clear expectations. Make sure your Team understands that you do not tolerate negative behaviors and that you expect them to have the fortitude to address each other when something seems amiss.

It seems simple, but for some reason, we don’t often take the time to have these conversations. Why wait? Less drama and conflict improves productivity and overall joy. Encourage your team to be open to understanding others and having mutual respect in the workplace.

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