The High Cost of Bad Listening
The quality of communication is not in the mouth of the sender.
A few miles off Highway 15 in the idyllic Pennsylvania countryside sit quiet farms and boulder-crested hills. 163 years ago, this same area around Gettysburg was the scene of the largest battle ever fought in North America. Miscommunication left Confederate General Lee in the dark about the Army of the Potomac’s size and movements as his cavalry commander, Jeb Stuart, rode around the Union Army instead of keeping Lee informed. Lee’s miscommunication with one of his direct reports, Dick Ewell, left the critical East Cemetery Hill in Union hands.
I hosted six extraordinary people for a leadership retreat there last week. Communication arose as a vital topic, both in the battle and in our personal and business lives.
Pain and Perspective
People learn through pain and perspective. The latter is usually more fun and less bruising. I learned about miscommunication the hard way.
I used to think communication was about exchanging ideas, until an Afghan elder sighed in frustration while I offered unsolicited advice on improving his village’s prosperity. I was so focused on the best advice to give that I stopped listening to the rest of his story. He was concerned about the struggle for legitimacy against militant leaders, not which projects would be best.
I learned to slow down and listen to understand. After all, we were communicating through interpreters of varying capability, across very different cultures, experiences, and outlooks. I had to be very intentional about getting their meaning.
I started paraphrasing what they said and asked, “Did I get that about right?” They either affirmed me or restated what I’d missed. Then I explored their points with invitations like “Help me to understand ___” and open-ended questions like, “What would be the next steps in achieving this goal?”
Once I put this process in place, the impact was massive: people believed they’d been heard and felt safe exploring ways to cooperate. We took steps that led the biggest insurgent group in the area to stop fighting and become allies.
You’re Not Hearing Me
When I returned to the States, I fell back into my old ways. I assumed that sharing a language and culture meant we shared an understanding. I could shortcut to offering ideas that solved problems, whether we were debating policy in the White House Situation Room or, later, meeting with a business prospect.
My ideas, advice, and support had far less impact than they could have, and I struggled to figure out why. Over coffee in a Milwaukee shop, it finally hit me as I offered advice and my prospect shook her head. “You’re not hearing me.”
I thought I served people best by contributing ideas and finding silver linings in troubled situations. I thought I was being supportive, but people took it as being tone-deaf, self-centered, and out of touch. I was devastated.
It’s in the Heart of the Receiver
The wake-up call helped me realize that the quality of communication isn’t in the mouth of the sender; it’s in the heart of the receiver. The listener’s experience matters more than the speaker’s intention when it comes to getting things done.
No matter how brilliant (or not) my idea might have been, if the receiver’s heart registered, “I don’t feel heard,” the transmission would simply bounce off like a rock skipping across water. People don’t feel safe when they feel that you don’t get them, so the heart stays guarded, and your ideas go nowhere.
Looking back on my Afghanistan days, I recognized that listening to understand made people feel heard and safe, which opened the heart to cooperation. Why not apply that at home?
Listening to Understand
I’ve seen four modes of listening. Distracted Listening occurs when your mind is on your smartphone or task, so you barely register what the other person is saying. Listening to Respond occurs when someone triggers a reply in your head, and you focus on formulating your response instead of listening to the rest of their point. When people talk past each other in meetings (like I saw repeatedly in the White House Situation Room), they are probably in this mode. Listening to Win is the more sinister twin of the previous, where you formulate your response to show how smart you are and how dumb the other person is.
Listening to Understand is when you focus your attention on what the other person has to say. It’s particularly powerful when you paraphrase what you heard and ask, “Did I get that about right?” When the answer is yes, explore their ideas with open-ended questions and invitations, like “What outcomes do you want to achieve?” and “Tell me more about ___.”
I also learned to resist the urge to give unsolicited advice or identify silver linings unless the person asks for it. Sometimes people just want their point of view understood. Other times they want a shoulder to lean on. Asking, “What would ideal support from me look like?” shows how you can help. If they reply, “I’d like to get your advice on this,” they will receive what you say with an open heart.
I invite you to try this approach at work and at home. Comment below and let me know how it works for you.




















