people

You Personify the 5 people you are with the most; Make sure you’re Hanging with the Right Crowd

Take a moment and write down the names of these five people and how they make you feel. This self-assessment helps you determine if you spend time with people who drain, trap, or elevate you. These primary associates illustrate your self-respect, aspirations, values, and standards.

Are you hanging with the right crowd?

I wasn’t. I spent time with people who engaged in toxic behavior. They controlled, manipulated, and dragged me down. I felt an obligation toward some; others I thought I could help or that I’d let down if I distanced myself.

Drained of energy, I made unfortunate choices and was not always the kind of person those who inspired me wanted to be around. I struggled to break free.

I promised myself in the mountains of Afghanistan that I would no longer let toxicity control my life. I recognized that life was too short and unpredictable to allow yourself to get dragged down.

I oppugned toxic behavior, cut ties with the worst predators, and challenged others to grow. I surrounded myself with people who brought out my best and inspired me to improve daily.

Improve daily by one percent, and you’ll be twice as good in seventy days

There are three kinds of people in your life: sappers, trappers, and zappers.

Sappers drain your energy and sap your will. Trauma-dumpers use you for personal therapy as they unload about how terrible everything is, and awfulizers exaggerate every inconvenience into a major catastrophe. Jerks abuse you and tell you how screwed up you are; gossips whisper nasty things about everyone else. Success-shamers and passive-aggressive people gaslight.

Trappers love you the way you are and NEVER want you to change. They are comfortable with a particular version of you and want to trap you like a bug in amber, so you are preserved that way.

Zappers give you energy and inspire you to get better. They cheer for you and will tell you the truth because they want what is best for you. These are the ones who help you soar to new heights.

I would never have attempted the Fallen Hero Honor Ride surrounded by the sappers and trappers who controlled my life. I completed the Honor Ride because of the zappers who urged me on, held me accountable, kicked my butt, and helped me improve daily.

Taking Stock

Next to the five names and how they make you feel, note whether they are sappers, trappers, or zappers.

Reduce exposure to the sappers because they make you feel worse or drag everyone else through the mud. They might have the Jerry Springer effect of making you feel better by pointing out the flaws of others, but this person will not help you thrive.

Reassure the trappers that your desire to grow does not mean you love them any less. The ones who genuinely love you will cheer you on; the ones who only want to control you will clamp down harder. Reduce your exposure to the latter. Doing so can be painful, but it’s the only way to keep growing.

Celebrate the zappers in your life and maximize your time with them. Expand your circle to connect with people who can help you achieve new growth and vice versa. I’ve found that attending exclusive events with high-performing people elevates my spirit and sights, and it’s why I offer unique events and only allow zappers to attend.

But, Chris, what happens if I’m a zapper to everyone else but don’t have any in my life?

I got this question after a recent keynote. This situation probably means that your relationships lack reciprocity; you may have surrounded yourself with sappers and trappers while letting a dose of martyr-complex seep into you. See the action steps above to change the situation.

Back on Track

  • Jean, I have a commitment on Friday, so I won’t be able to attend. (Don’t provide more details. You never need to justify saying no).
  • Bob, I know that starting my own consulting business is scary and risky. It’s important to me and will not change how much I love you. May I have your full support?
  • Julie, I heard that you are a terrific speaker. I’m trying to raise my game, and I was wondering if you could give me some advice on where to get support.

Who are the five people you are with the most? Are you happy about that?



The Carbon Fiber Principle: Reveal Skills with Affinities to Retain your Top Talent.

carbon fiber

Custom-fit jobs to people if you want a high-performing team. Cram people into ill-fitting roles if you want to burn them out.

“But, Jim, you are so good at your job. Why are you leaving?”

I’m burned out. I need a break. I need to do something else.

How often have high-performing employees left your company? How many current employees are complaining of burnout?

Turnover, absenteeism, and presentism are companies’ most significant costs.

Employee turnover costs 50% – 200% of an employee’s annual salary. An 8% turnover is healthy – you need new blood. Above that, you are throwing money down the drain because you are hiring the wrong people or putting them in the wrong roles.

The Carbon Fiber Principle

I rode the carbon fiber Specialized Aethos during the 1700-mile Fallen Hero Honor Ride. Last week, I got to see how the bicycle was made.

Alex at the composite’s lab explained the jigsaw-like puzzle he needed to assemble to ensure the bike met the highest performance standards. Some carbon fiber pieces were for strength, others for stability. You cannot bend a strength piece, but you can twist it. The opposite goes for stability pieces.

Alex had the jigsaw-like puzzle arranged on a lay-up, the product of careful testing so that he had the right pieces in the right places.

Swap a strength for stability or vice versa, and the bicycle will underperform and might even break apart.

The precision with which Alex and his team assemble the pieces results in Specialized producing the world’s best bicycles.

Most organizations aim to get the best from their materials.

Why should you do anything less with your people?

Like carbon fiber, employee performance is a composite of affinities and skills that require a custom fit.

You need to put people in a position where their skills can amplify their natural strengths.

Imagine a double-axis chart with “Love it” on the vertical and “Good at it” on the horizontal. Love it means you are using a natural talent. Being good at it means you are using an acquired skill.

The bottom left quadrant – Hate it and Suck at it – is the dropout zone; it’s a complete mismatch.

The bottom right quadrant – Hate it and Good at it – is where you lose your best employees because they burn their energy faster than they can replenish. Their performance is excellent, but they are dying inside.

The upper right – Love it but not yet good at it – is where you want to cultivate the necessary skills to thrive. Steve Jobs, for example, had an inspiring vision for Apple but did not know how to treat people. His board fired him. Jobs learned from the experience and developed sufficient people skills to make Apple one of the world’s best companies.

Jobs moved into the upper right – Love it and Good at it. This quadrant is where people thrive, set new standards, and operate in a natural state of flow.

Imagine the impact if all of your employees were there.

People’s job skills are easy enough to identify; learning their natural talents is harder, and many people cannot identify them easily for you. They know what feels right and what burns them out, but most do not have a language to describe their natural superpowers, let alone figure them out in others.

A great place to start is with my PROM Archetypes ® assessment. In 8 questions, you will find out if you are a Pioneer, Reconciler, Operator, or Maverick, be able to identify your natural superpowers, and what kinds of roles are likely to put you in a natural state of flow.

You’re right back on track with:


“As an Operator, what are your superpowers, Jim? Do you feel like you are using them every day?”

“In what ways could you use your superpowers to even greater effect for the company, Lisa? What new skills do you need to make the most of them?”

“I know you are in a situation that burns your energy faster, Jeff. Let’s make sure you get enough recharge time between these events.

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Getting Good at Getting Better
Reply to me with the program(s) that interest you.

Becoming a WHY Leader ™. You will build the habits that inspire your employees to contribute their best to your organization’s success. You will come away with behaviors that increase engagement, improve communications, and create productive accountability. You’ll gain the ability to lead organizations of increasing complexity because you have grown from a HOW to a WHY leader. I have five places remaining. The program begins on Dec 19; the fee is $4500 before December 7 and $5500 after that.

Building an Inspiring Culture ™ results in your employees doing what’s right, the right way, without constant supervision so that you can focus on strategy and growth. You’ll develop the habits that create and sustain an inspiring culture that adds unique value to your employees, customers, communities, and investors. You will gain action steps that make giving feedback joyful and tough conversations easier and more impactful. The program begins on March 6. The fee is $4500 before January 1 and $5500 after that. Six seats remain.

Sign up for both programs by Dec 7 for only $7500.

Expert Consulting Mastery takes you step-by-step to soar your consulting practice to new heights. Your consulting business thrives when you are successful at 1) creating a mission and value proposition, 2) organizing your time, talent, and energy, 3) developing a business model that matches passion, skill, and market need, 4) identifying and marketing to their ideal buyer, 5) having joyful sales conversations, and 6) possessing the self-awareness to know how to get good at getting better. You will come away with the skills to master all six. This program begins on January 17. The fee is $5500 by December 31 and $6500 after that. Seven seats remain.

Significant Lives (April 25-28). This experience focuses on how George Washington and Ulysses S. Grant built powerful legacies that won great victories and made America a better place. You and seven others will examine how these two historical figures led, built winning cultures, made decisions, and bounced forward from failures and setbacks. They were very different leaders – one was a detail-oriented driver of results, the other a visionary strategist. Each of them had to win the most important battle of all – the battle with themselves. We’ll stay in Richmond and visit the Yorktown and Appomattox battlefields to bring the history to life. You’ll apply the insights we develop into action steps that advance your legacy and the value you provide to loved ones, employees, customers, communities, and the causes you want to advance. The fee is $5500 by January 31 and $6500 after that. Spouses or significant others are welcome for an additional fee. Six seats remain.

Bicycles and Battlefields at Antietam and Gettysburg (June 6-9). In this unique experience, you will join seven peers and me to advance your skills, experience American history, and get fitter as your get better. You will come away with the new abilities to inspire people to great performance, hold people accountable without feeling awkward, build cognitive diversity, and make impactful decisions that take your business to new heights. You’ll gain more stories, analogies, and examples that boost your thought leadership and make you an object of interest. Experiencing the battlefields by bicycle provides a powerful perspective. It’s an event you’ll remember for the rest of your life. No bicycle? No problem. We’ll arrange for an excellent bicycle or e-bicycle so that you can experience this joyful and impactful event. This extraordinary event goes June 6-9; the fee is $8500 before March 1 and $9500 after that. Spouses are welcome for an additional fee.





Are you a Lamp, Lifeboat, or Ladder; Why not be all 3?

lamp

“Be a lamp, or a lifeboat, or a ladder,” wrote the 13th-century Persian poet Jalāl al-Dīn Muḥammad Rumi. “Help someone’s soul heal. Walk out of your house like a shepherd.”


[Admired Leadership’s Field Notes brought this quotation to my attention.]

Successful people are one or two of these three.


The lamp symbolizes wisdom; you help people see what they cannot see on their own.

You use a lifeboat to bring others to a better place.

Ladders take people to new heights.

The lamp can illuminate the lifeboat’s way, and the lifeboat can carry the light to new places.

Without the ladder, people do not rise. A lifeboat drifting with the current goes downhill.

The lifeboat can take the ladder to new shores where people can ascend; The ladder can help more people climb into the lifeboat.

Without the lamp, you cannot see hidden risks and opportunities.

The lamp can illuminate the ladder, and people can climb the ladder where the light provides new perspectives.

You cannot take people with you unless you have a lifeboat.


Two out of three leads to success but is not enough for significance.

People who lead a life of significance are lamps, lifeboats, AND ladders.

They show the way, bring people along, and propel them to new heights.

You are successful, but are you leading a life of significance?

I’ll help you choose the best path when you’re ready to turn success into significance.



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Get more action steps about leadership and accountability in these recent podcast interviews:

Conflict management and leadership in Wake-up Call hosted by Mark Goulston. https://mywakeupcall.libsyn.com/ep-370-chris-kolenda

Gaining buy-in: Way of Champions podcast, John O’Sullivan and Jerry Lynch: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/292-christopher-kolenda-retired-us-army-colonel-on/id1223779199?i=1000581115154

Leaders as exemplars in Get Uncomfortable with Shae McMaster: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/get-uncomfortable/id1557553154?i=1000575764193

How to get good at getting better: Getting Down to Business with Shalom Klein. https://anchor.fm/shalom-klein/episodes/Podcast-of-Get-Down-To-Business-with-Shalom-Klein–08142022—Chris-Kolenda–Chris-Kolenda-and-Kimberly-Janson-e1mbu0q

CBS’s Margaret Brennan interviewed me for the Evening News about the Honor Ride and veterans’ struggles. You can view it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tZndZoI2Pzw&ab_channel=CBSEveningNews

YFS Magazine published my article, “What We’re Getting Wrong About Veterans,” which gives you ways to help veterans find purpose and belonging, which is needed to believe that your life is worth living. Twenty-two veterans die by suicide each day. https://yfsmagazine.com/2022/11/10/what-were-getting-wrong-about-veterans/



goals

The Quickest way to Achieve Big Goals; Lessons Learned on the Road

The easiest path is to hedge and reduce risk, but this winding road leads to drift and failure. Commitment is your quickest path to success.

Should I pay for a high-performance bicycle or start with something cheap?

Should I find a coach or get a book and study on my own?

Should I tell people that I plan to undertake a 1700-mile bicycle ride?

My amygdala, the part of the brain that controls the flight or fight instinct, was firing.

You haven’t ridden a bicycle in 20 years. You don’t even own a bike. You’ll be 57 years old when you start. Seventeen Hundred Miles is insane. You don’t even know if you’ll like cycling. Don’t fail and embarrass yourself.

That narrative was playing in my head, urging me to shelve the idea altogether or at least lower risk and reduce vulnerability. Get an average used bike and see if you can avoid falling over. Don’t tell ANYONE until you are sure you can do this.

The amygdala helps you survive by urging you to avoid danger, which is usually better than fighting, getting hurt, and becoming easy prey.

Our instincts tend toward risk aversion when it comes to big goals and uncertain situations.

I’ve studied decision-making for most of my professional life, and I coach people on achieving goals like becoming better leaders and building their businesses. I know the amygdala’s game plan.

The rational brain, what Nobel Prize winner Daniel Kahneman calls system two thinking, also tends toward risk aversion.

Is a 1700-mile bicycle ride a good decision? What are the opportunity costs?

I could do a lot with the 7500 dollars for a bicycle and kit, not to mention the investment in time and energy to train for this endeavor. I could use those resources to grow my business, for example, or take a vacation.

The risks of going public about the ride and then face-planting were very high — who wants to be the subject of “I told you this was a dumb idea” and “Wow! What an epic fail” scorn.

System 1 and System 2 were aligned — reduce the commitment, avoid the exposure, and lower the risk. Be sure that you can be successful BEFORE you commit.

Sound familiar?

That option was the fast track to failure.

If you want to achieve a dream or a big goal, you need unequivocal commitment — burning the boats after crossing the river so that everyone knows there’s no going back.

When you make an unequivocal commitment, your amygdala kicks into fight mode, and your analytic brain shifts to figuring out how to be successful.

Here’s how to do it:

1. Put enough skin in the game so that you have the incentive to follow through. Buying a cheap bicycle would have reduced the commitment and might have made training too cumbersome. Investing in the right kit up front increased enjoyment and created the all-in mindset.

This logic is the same for professional development. People rarely complete free or low-fee programs because there’s no skin in the game. Coaches and advisors who charge higher fees also feel more accountable to their clients. The more you invest, the more likely you will follow through and thus get better results.

The first secret to success is to invest in your success.

2. Get the proper professional support. Lone-wolf-it if you want to fail fast; surround yourself with the right people if you desire lasting success. I researched and found the right cycling coach in Chuck Kyle — a veteran and coach who is a world-class cyclist. He created the training plan that got me into the right shape for the ride. He offered to coach for free, but I wanted to pay him for the expertise and the mutual accountability (see above).  

Mentors like Kate Shortall and Phil Godkin were instrumental champions and, being local, helped me with riding form, bicycle fit, safety kit, and advice that improved my training and performance.

A way to see ourselves professionally is by the five people we spend the most time around. Are these five people ones who drag you down or caution you against growing, or are they all people who push you to get better every day and are committed to your success?

Gathering the right people and support is the second secret to success.

3. Shed the body armor and make the emotional commitment.

Don’t keep it a secret. You cannot grow unless you are willing to get rid of your bubble wrap.

Keeping your goal a secret leads to hedging and second-guessing yourself into retreat.

You have to be willing to be vulnerable by letting people know that you are going for a big goal or bucket list item.

Everyone can see you step out of the bunkers of familiarity and into the proverbial no-man’s-land of bold and daring. That open space is frightening because people can watch you fall on your face. It’s also the arena where you persevere, suffer setbacks, learn and adapt, and succeed.

Making an emotional commitment by letting people know what you are doing focuses your attention on how to be successful because you’ve cast away the hedging and second-guessing. Ignore the trolls and unsolicited advice. Stick with the people who cheer you on, boost your morale, and root for your success.

Put your stake in the ground, your mark on the wall. Not keeping your aspiration a secret is the third secret to success.

Of course, there are times when going all-in is a lousy strategy, like when crucial variables are outside your control and the risks of failure are catastrophic. You need trusted advisors and coaches who will tell you the truth — the juice isn’t worth the squeeze, you aren’t training hard enough, you’re hedging, and you are at risk of failure unless you address x, y, and z.

In this case, I controlled the key variables: training, costs, routes, time, pace, etc. Success was likely with the right commitment.  

What’s stopping you from pursuing your dreams?

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Get more action steps about leadership and accountability in these recent podcast interviews:

Conflict management and leadership in Wake-up Call hosted by Mark Goulston. https://mywakeupcall.libsyn.com/ep-370-chris-kolenda

Gaining buy-inWay of Champions podcast, John O’Sullivan and Jerry Lynch: https://podcats.apple.com/us/podcast/292-christopher-kolenda-retired-us-army-colonel-on/id1223779199?i=1000581115154

Leaders as exemplars in Get Uncomfortable with Shae McMaster: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/get-uncomfortable/id1557553154?i=1000575764193

How to get good at getting better: Getting Down to Business with Shalom Klein. https://anchor.fm/shalom-klein/episodes/Podcast-of-Get-Down-To-Business-with-Shalom-Klein–08142022—Chris-Kolenda–Chris-Kolenda-and-Kimberly-Janson-e1mbu0q



lessons

By Day 3 of the Fallen Hero Honor Ride, my butt was very sore; Lessons Learned on the Road

Lessons Learned on the Road

I had bicycled nearly 300 miles into stiff headwinds from Hurricane Ian, which heightened the pain and added to my fatigue. It’s not supposed to feel like this.

I was popping ibuprofen and acetaminophen like candy, sitting on bags of ice at night, and considering other ways to reduce the pain.

I was treating the symptoms because I didn’t know the cause.

My coach, Chuck Kyle, did. After a few more days of this, I called him and let him know what I was experiencing. He asked a few follow-up questions and told me my seat was out of alignment. Angle your seat forward 1mm.

What? 1mm?

I trusted my coach, but I could not see how such a small change would make any difference. I made the adjustment, skeptical of the impact.

Yes! This is how it’s supposed to feel!

No more pain. The next 1200 miles felt terrific.

We tend to think proportionally. A small lesson change makes a small impact; a big lesson change makes a big impact. We resist making small changes because we believe they’ll be inconsequential and assume significant changes will be too painful or create massive side effects.

Sound familiar?

This mentality keeps most people stuck in painful ruts or flailing in swamps of frustration.

Here’s the difference: the right small changes to the correct issues have significant impacts and little downside. The key is to affect the causes rather than the symptoms.

I find the 1mm rule also works for good leaders and coaches. The good ones don’t require massive interventions, and the bad ones don’t want help.

The good ones need 1mm adjustments to what’s causing pain and not working quite right. Having the right trusted adviser gets you to identify the cause quickly and make the subtle lesson changes that lead to success.

What if you could take away the nagging aches that bog you down? What would you do with the new time and energy?

  • “I feel drained at the end of each day. How do I stop feeling this way?”
  • “I’ve got more direct reports, and I rarely see them. What should I do to help them without them feeling micromanaged?”
  • “One of my direct reports is resisting the changes we need to make. How do I get them on board?”

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Get more action steps about leadership and accountability in these recent podcast interviews:

Conflict management and leadership in Wake-up Call hosted by Mark Goulston. https://mywakeupcall.libsyn.com/ep-370-chris-kolenda

Gaining buy-inWay of Champions podcast, John O’Sullivan and Jerry Lynch: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/292-christopher-kolenda-retired-us-army-colonel-on/id1223779199?i=1000581115154

Leaders as exemplars in Get Uncomfortable with Shae McMaster: https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/get-uncomfortable/id1557553154?i=1000575764193

How to get good at getting better: Getting Down to Business with Shalom Klein. https://anchor.fm/shalom-klein/episodes/Podcast-of-Get-Down-To-Business-with-Shalom-Klein–08142022—Chris-Kolenda–Chris-Kolenda-and-Kimberly-Janson-e1mbu0q